inhale, exhale.

 

Hey you. I haven't been here in a while.

I've been feeling so much lately.

I swear this is the fourth time (at least) that I've attempted to write post on the past three months and my mind seems to constantly trail off. So, today's the day. It's 11 P.M. on a Monday. Hey, better now than never. This is more a collection of the fascinating parts of my life over the past few months.

some weeks ago

 

Release the honesty. I'm not sure what to write about. There is piano music in my ears and all I think about when I close my eyes are other peoples'; also, seattle and how I've learned to love the cold and looming clouds, colorado and the tall mountains and my eyes are tired and I need to repaint my nails. I needed to do that two weeks ago. I needed to get some things done a while ago.

 

Sometimes, I plan to write things, but they get lost in the unorganized file cabinet that is my brain. I apologize. That makes me think of sincerity. I'm a mess.

 

I'll never get over the time a couple of weeks ago when my english teacher told me that my writing is full of run-on sentences. I nearly laughed. My life is a run-on sentence, lady.

 

 

two weeks ago

I go through days where I desperately search for colorful leaves below my feet like the ones in Minnesota. Today, I was walking from the school to my car, wishing that everything would be more like fifth grade. Especially love. I'm constantly wondering why I can't express myself in the way that I mean. It's frustrating. But man, I laughed so much yesterday. God; I laughed so much that my eyes were watering.

last week

Thanksgiving is coming up soon- makes me want to play the piano again. I went to a bonfire, too. It was small and I walked in to the sound of a modest guitar playing and small voices singing. I had a moment; that was so beautiful to me. I also bought a bike a while back and I rode it ten miles one day. I'm sorry if you saw me; I was flying down sidewalk hills and smiling at the sky.

 

I've been rushing around so much that I'm afraid that I'll miss the turning leaves. I look forward to rain and I've been writing in my journal and sometimes I'm so raw with thoughts and words that I can't seem to bring them to paper so I sit in confusion and let them seep through my pores. Sometimes I feel poetic and sometimes I think that I'm in love, but oh, sometimes I think that I'm so wrong. I think that I'm wrong about a lot of things.

 

There's a scarf in the corner of my bedroom that I meant to finish last fall. There are piano songs I've been meaning to learn and things that I've wanted to tell people and they've all gotten lost. Maybe not lost; just misplaced.

 

this week

 

Last weekend, Eileen and I sat in my car in the dark and leaned our seats back, listening to a playlist of my favorite slow songs. I wanted to fall asleep right there. I just wanted to live like that; with the sunroof open in the crisp cold; I even forgot my jacket.

 

I went as a happy native american for halloween and I will not deny my cuteness, and sometimes I draw things in art that I'm really, genuinely proud of.

 

And you know what else? I've been realizing that it's so important to know myself; to be comfortable in my own skin. A lot of times I can't decide who I am, honestly. And, I don't hate people. Don't listened to my corrupted teenage mind when I say that. I don't hate anything. There are so many things to love, and I would much rather focus on those.

 

Next: friends are so precious. There are people in this world that think about me during the day and tell me that I look nice; there are people that meet me for coffee and obsess over things with me and who compliment me and remember my birthday and my middle name and there are people who believe in me. There is so much love in my life.